When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize