are you still at the devil's house?
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I lost the right to judge tonight
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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