sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
