Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize