We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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