I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
