he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
