As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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