So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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