my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
