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• (865): View more from Tennessee

  i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  this medicine is soooo good.

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• (205): View more from Alabama

  at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.

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• (414): View more from Wisconsin

  it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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• (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.

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• (501): View more from Arkansas

  After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...

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• (085): View more from

  I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper

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• (209): View more from California

  My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.

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• (606): View more from Kentucky

  Does the room smell any better?

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.

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• (309): View more from Illinois

  trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit

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• (619): View more from California

  When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter

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• (315): View more from New York

  just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.

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