I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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