I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
