I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I think a kid would responsible me up
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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