John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
