Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
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