if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
