I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
