new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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