fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
