Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
