Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
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