I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
