Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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