I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
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