I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
