Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
