So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
