dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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