then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
