I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
