Someone shit on the floor
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Randomize
