found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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