I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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