dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I have already put on my inside pants.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
