So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
