Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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