when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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