she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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