i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the condom got lost in my hair
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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