I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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