You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
