His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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