My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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