Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
