I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
