True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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