so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
