He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize