hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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