I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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