So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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