quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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