At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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