i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
