Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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