I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
