I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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