The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
