I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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