I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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