If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
