and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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