hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
