I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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