u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize