Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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