I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
