i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We are all done wearing pants today
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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