Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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