I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
